I’m starting to get really nervous about the end of this semester. I still have 3 papers to write. 3 presentations to prepare. 4 finals to study for. And a video for my senior seminar class. Every time I think about the amount of work I need to do I just get super stressed out. I know that I just need to finish this to get to graduation. It’s so nerve-racking. I know I’m not going to fail. I won’t let that happen. But with all of this and work in between, I just know I’m going to have to work my ass off for the next 1.5 weeks.
i’m not saying I don’t believe anymore. but what I am saying is that it wasn’t helping. i wasn’t sure where i was supposed to see, or how i was ever going to be convinced. but what i do know was that i wasn’t guided, i do know that i was left to learn myself. left to teach something i barely knew, left to lead those who were broken as me. now they ask why i’m not there, why i don’t go back. it’s cause there wasn’t anything to go back to, because the whole time i was mostly teaching myself. maybe you thought i wasn’t your responsibility anymore, but aren’t we all supposed to be responsible for each other. well guess what, i was tired of giving, without any taking. maybe that’s why i don’t go back, because there was no point in giving anymore, instead i have to suffice to giving to myself. providing for myself.
it’s hard to believe when you don’t have others to help you believe. a support system. to think, i actually thought i would have visitors to show that they actually cared. guess i expected to much again.
maybe thats why i don’t believe. thats why i’m fed up. well guess what, it won’t happen again.
Am I more than just a manager now? It was as if the role I played when I was helping lead FCJ events is the same role I’m playing now. High schoolers, looking up to me, counting on me to lead and make decisions, even outside of work. I mean, I’m not saying/don’t think I’m important, as a matter of fact, I’m afraid of the fact that I might mean more to them then I want to.
Just the situation I wanted to avoid.